25.000
- Who was that on the phone? - Eh?
It was some guy from the community centre.
He wants to get some coaches for the kids' soccer league.
Are you gonna do it?
Maybe next year, if things calm down at work a little.
That's what you said last year.
You want to rub some lotion on my back?
Maybe later. I don't want to get all these papers greasy.
Alan, we have to be consistent.
Successive approximations to the goal, remember?
God, that language just turns me on.
OK, if you don't want to do it, you don't have to.
I do. I do want to do it. It's just that book.
You know, it zaps all the spontaneity.
The point is, to get the spontaneity back.
Obviously we're not there yet.
Look,
I want this as much as you do.
I want to get things back.
No, I don't want to get things back. I want to make it better.
Better than it's ever been.
So...
...let's get to work.
Excuse me, where did you get that?
This guy I work with at the museum.
- We haven't gotten stoned since college. - Mm-hm.
And it was the best sex we ever had.
- What about the kids? - They're sound asleep.
(Phone rings)
Don't answer that.
It might be my morning meeting.
Hello?
Oh, sure. Hold on.
It's for you. Do you want me to take a message?
I'd better see who it is.
Here she is.
Hello.
Oh, hi.
Oh, no. That's OK.
Yeah, I have the keys. Why?
Marnie, you know, we're sure gonna miss you.
- Here you go. - So, Alan...
Marnie and I were just calculating your chances of beating me out of this VP slot.
- What do you think? Slim or none? - With your warmth and charm, none.
Yeah not to mention the quarter I just had
Bottom line says it all, pal.
Oh, excuse me.
Gee, I'm gonna miss Neil.
I really will miss you.
That's not exactly what I meant. I mean, um...
You got the wrong impression.
Listen,
Wendy and I have been married for 12 years.
You've been flirting with me all week.
That's not it exactly.
I find you very attractive.
So, do you want to come home with me?
Hey, wake up.
Hey.
- You're home. - Yeah.
- What time is it? - It's late.
- We need to talk. - What's wrong?
I lied to you.
There was no business dinner.
You remember that temp I was telling you about - Marnie?
- Verna's replacement. - I was at her apartment tonight.
Just tell me.
It was like I was someone else.
She kissed me.
We kissed.
It was wonderful. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't.
Then it all just hit me.
It was like you and Brooke and Daniel and the house and...our whole lives together...
It was like you were all in the room with me.
And you made me realise what I was doing.
I left.
I've just been driving around.
Look...
My point is, our marriage means more to me than I ever thought.
It's everything, and we've got to do something.
We got to... Anything. We've got to fix it.
I don't want to lose you, and I don't want to lose the kids.
I couldn't handle that.
You're not alone in this, you know.
What do you mean?
Remember the Pancake House where we used to take the kids last summer?
The waiter there - Ryan.
- Sandy hair, mid-twenties. - What, you had an affair with him?
No...
...but I thought about it.
A lot.
Whenever I made love with you,
I fantasised about him.
Really?
Both times?
It's not funny, Alan.
I know.
Oh.
- I know. - I started going for lunch alone there
because I wanted him all to myself.
That's not the way it should be.
I don't want parts of my life that I can't share with you.
- Do you think the car will be OK? - It'll be fine. Don't worry.
We have not been down here in so long.
We got some time to kill before we pick up the kids.
I thought it would be fun.
We should find a thrift store and buy the kids a costume.
Ah, what luck!
- Costumes. - Yeah!
That's not exactly what I had in mind.
Come on, take a chance. Live dangerous.
Honey.
So what? She hasn't had two kids.
What do you suppose this is?
The Super V-19 Auto-flagellator, guaranteed to give you years
and years of erotic pleasure.
(Shrieks)
OK. Let's go.
Thank you.
- Thanks. - What did you buy?
A swingers' magazine? Are you kidding?
They're all normal people. They're non-pros. They're like us.
- Can you imagine soliciting total strangers? - You're right.
- I'll take it back. - Um...wait.
Couldn't hurt to look.
(Bell rings)
ALAN: Come on. Daniel.
Come on. You know that thing we were talking about before? You did hide it?
- I did. Don't worry. - Is it my birthday present?
You know...I wasn't serious.
I have to admit, though, it is an intriguing thought.
Cos it's my birthday in two weeks, you know.
Oh? Is that a fact? Oh, I completely forgot.
(Giggling)
Come on, we're down to the Ts. We don't have a single prospect.
Keep going.
The Travises.
Bill's always undressing you mentally on the tennis court.
I like them too much.
- I don't want to risk the friendship. - Do you want to do it with people we hate?
How could I possibly face her at work the next day?
Easy. You just say, "Hi, Becky,
you were incredible last night!"
Keep going.
OK. No.
Oh, the Wakefields.
You're kidding! That's everybody?
That's everybody. I had the good sense to leave out family members
and the Bradleys, with Neil's winning personality.
You two compete in enough areas enough already enough.
Well, that's it, then.
We don't know a single person we can do it with, and it's too scary calling up strangers.
Well, still, it was fun fantasising.
(Giggles)
You know...
...we could make up our own ad. Hm?
We'd be in total control. We could get a PO box and we could screen all the mail.
You can't be serious.
I could be.
If you are.
No, no. We're not using a picture in this ad.
Yeah, but we'll need one eventually.
Ha!
This one.
- Couldn't you find one without the kids? - We'll just cut 'em out.
Just like that?
Just like that.
OK. How about this?
Curious but yellow? So are we.
- Happy but restless suburbanites... - ...seek twin sparks to rekindle flame.
Dirty minds, meticulously clean bodies. Expect the same with you or no go.
- What do you think? - They sound perfect.
- You check on the kids? - They're fine. Still doing homework.
Anything interesting yet?
These are the rejects.
What's this?
This is my rubber butt plug. Oh!
That killed it for me, too.
- What about these two? They're gorgeous. - They are.
They're both men.
- Jesus! - Oh, this is cute.
Sorry about the out-of-season's greetings, but we're fresh out of centrefolds.
You two sound just wonderful. Send us a picture, give us a call.
Let's explore the possibilities. Love and kisses, Jack and Louise.
Keeper.
- Hi, who's calling? - Hi, this is Alan.
- This is Alan. - This is Jack.
This is Jack.
Hi, look, I'm not sure if we're supposed to use last names.
Whatever you feel comfortable with, Al.
- Did you get the picture? - Yes we did.
And, to be perfectly honest, I haven't seen Louise this excited in a long time.
It's a good thing I'm not the jealous type.
Listen, Wendy and I, we've never done anything like this before.
I assume you have.
Just a few times.
So would tomorrow night be OK for you?
Tomorrow?
Neil Bradley's already made his presentation.
The client is looking at his watch.
- I'm talking to a client. - Is that Paul McGrew?
No.
How do you ever find anything in this mess?
So, who's Neil Bradley?
Some prick I work with.
Uh-huh. And who's Paul McGrew?
What, are you writing a book?
Hey, I'm sorry. Look, I'm just trying to get to know you better.
He owns a large hotel chain.
I'm a sales manager for Western division for a food service company.
I'm in sales, too. High-end audio and video stuff. My wife does a little modelling.
Really? My wife works for a children's museum, part time.
- And we have two kids. - Great.
OK, listen. There's a place downtown called the Zebra Lounge.
Let's meet there tomorrow night, say eight o'clock. No strings attached.
- OK. - OK, bye.
# JUDITH OWEN: Get Into It
# I've been down in such a dark place
# I've been a phoney and a fool
# Just to please everybody who said that they love me
# And I spat out the food that I was too afraid to swallow
# I've been locked up in this attic
# Still with love on my brain
# And I tried so hard to get a little sunshine
# Yes, I tried so hard
# To break the cycle of pain
# Pain, pain...
# Get into it, baby...
JACK: Alan, Wendy.
I'm Jack.
This is my wife Louise,
the most beautiful woman in the world.
- Hello. - Hi.
Get comfortable and Jack will order some drinks.
Tina, Louise and I will have the usual. And for you?
- A White Label, please. - Let me guess.
On the rocks?
Yes.
Er, the same. Thank you.
I'm so glad you guys
decided to get together with us.
We haven't decided
anything yet.
You know, your ad was the first one that we'd answered in several months.
I guess...
I guess Louise and I are getting a little more discriminating.
ALAN: I suppose we should be flattered.
I don't know. I figured I'd put that out there. It might be a bit more comforting.
It's lucky you found us first.
We are your first, right?
Oh, yes.
Most definitely.
You know what I've learned from Louise?
If you just relax and let yourself go,
you can really have a lot of fun.
WENDY: We've just never done anything like this before.
Nothing's going to happen that you don't want to.
Oh.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
OK...
A toast.
To...
Hey.
Will you excuse us a minute?
Are we crazy?
I think they're pretty normal, considering.
- Do you like him? - I don't know. I mean, he's charming.
He's...kind of intriguing.
Excuse me.
How do you feel about her?
She's nice, attractive,
very sexy.
Yeah, she is very sexy.
I like his eyes.
Well, it was nice meeting you two.
We're going to pass.
- I'm so disappointed. - No, that's OK, if that's your choice.
But we were having such a nice talk. Please, come finish your drinks.
ALAN: Sure.
You know, baby,
I wish it would have been that easy for us to fix our little fling problem.
You're not having affairs yet, are you?
No, no.
- Not quite. - It's problems like that
that are difficult to solve.
Have you guys read any self-help books or done any counselling?
- We haven't had much luck with them. - We appreciate your concern,
but, well, we're just not ready for this.
You know,
Alan,
sometimes it's not such a good idea to wait until you feel like you're ready.
I know for Louise and I,
it felt like we were running out of time.
You know, if we were to do this,
how's it going to work?
- How would it work? - Hypothetically.
- Of course. - Our house is out of the question.
- With the kids - Ours, too. We have the painters in.
Why don't you guys leave it up to us?
Hypothetically.
Yeah. How does this sound?
Whatever we do, we do it together.
When one of us wants to stop, we both stop, no questions asked.
And we'll never do anything that might hurt the kids.
I couldn't have put it better myself.
You want me to sign it?
No, your word's good enough for me.
Look, if this doesn't feel right,
we'll just...cut it short and come home.
Right.
Do you think we're dressed right?
I don't know. I've never dressed for an orgy before.
Wow, Mom.
You look beautiful.
Thank you.
- You too, Daddy. - Thanks. Works for them.
I want you to do everything Nancy asks you to do.
I promise there'll be something in it for you.
(Car horn)
Wow!
That's the biggest car I've ever seen.
Hi.
BROOKE: Who are they?
Just some friends. We'd better hurry before they bring out the whole neighbourhood.
See you.
- Bye, Mommy. Bye, Daddy. - Bye.
Wow!
Glass of champagne to the first person who can guess
what Louise is doing to me right now.
Kidding.
ALAN: You've gone to such expense. JACK: No trouble.
A friend of mine owns the car.
So, how's the painting going?
What's that?
You said you were getting your house painted.
Oh, no, we just say that.
Jack and I like to keep our home private.
I wish we'd thought of that.
You guys aren't in a hurry to get home, are you?
- Our sitter can stay the night... - If we ask her to.
LOUISE: Good.
Perfect.
So, Al... Is it all right if I call yon Al?
- Excuse me? - Forget it. Um...
Would you like to trade seats with me?
Because,
although Louise and I...
don't look like it,
we're sitting over here feeling a bit like a senate subcommittee.
JACK: Is that all right? - Sure. Yeah?
OK.
- So, how do we look? JACK: Fabulous.
I would say you're the second sexiest couple in the car.
(Alan laughs) - You look like
- you had a tough day at the office. - Actually, I did.
Alan's up for a vice-presidency and he's got some pretty tough competition.
JACK: Ah, yes. Neil Bradley.
Little prick.
A little tense?
(Alan laughs)
JACK: You don't like champagne?
- Er, no, it's the bubbles. - Honey?
- Yes? - Can we get Wendy
- some White Label? - Sure.
ALAN: Here, let me.
Er, dilemma.
- Pick your hand. Thank you. - Here, I'll take this.
JACK: A toast
Let's have some fun.
To fun!
Come, let me show you the view.
Don't worry. She's in good hands.
- What did we get him? Let's see. - No, no. It's already... It's half wrapped.
(Phone rings)
BROOKE: Hi, you are through to the Barnets. Leave a message after the beep.
- (Beep) - Hey, it's Jack here.
Where have you two been hiding?
Louise and I would love to see you two again...
- Didn't you return their last call? - No, I never got round to it.
Honey, you're not trying to string them along, are you?
I'm just not comfortable with discussing it, that's all.
Tell them that we had a really good time
and we appreciate their concern but we don't need them any more.
They'd take it too personally.
Yes.
Well, then, tell them that it doesn't fit into our lifestyle.
I'm sure they can understand that.
- OK. I can do that. I'll call them. - Good.
- Good.
Yes.
What?
- They were incredible, though, weren't they? - Yeah, they were, but so are we.
CHILDREN'S VOICES: One...
Two...
Three...
Blow!
Are you about finished with that thing? The ice cream's melting.
- How come you scooped it out so soon? - Wendy asked me to.
Here, Mom, let's cut this cake.
Hello, everybody. Sorry we're late.
What a great place to have a party.
Jack. Louise.
Everybody, this is Jack and Louise.
Hi.
- Friends. And this is Wendy's mom. - Oh!
- Hey, Jack. Ken. - Nice to meet you.
And this must be the birthday boy.
Is it for me?
No, it's for me.
Happy Birthday, Daniel. from Aunt Louise and Uncle Jack.
- Buddy, you have fun with that. - They're not our aunt and uncle.
They're just being friendly. Be polite.
- Is anybody going to give us some cake? - Of course, yes, have some cake.
Do you have a smaller piece?
Thanks. I need a fork and...
...maybe a napkin.
Oh, would you like to have some?
We'll get our own, OK?
JACK: Thanks, pal.
- Who wants to see Uncle Jack juggle? - ALL: Me!
All right. Check it out.
You're doing great, honey.
Thank you, baby. Alan, if I hadn't called your secretary,
I never would have known about this panty.
Huh?
Ta-da!
(Cheering)
Everybody loves Jack. Don't you find him attractive?
Because I find your husband Ken very good-looking.
Ken, get the kids. It's time to go.
One hand.
Sorry.
JACK: Maybe I can try behind my back.
(Cheering)
WENDY: I could kill your secretary.
ALAN: You asked her to give out the directions.
Yes, to invited guests.
And what was she supposed to do? Interrogate every caller?
BROOKE: I got a present, too, from Aunt Louise. It's my unbirthday present.
WENDY: A bracelet?
ALAN: It's nice, honey.
It's really nice.
ALAN: Yeah, I know.
I'll call you on Tuesday. Yep.
Congratulations.
What for?
For finally getting a shot with Paul McGrew.
No kidding?
- All my nuisance calls must have paid off. - Apparently so.
His office called. He wants to play tennis. We've got a court for one o'clock.
Alan, this is our big chance.
When he gets here, you introduce us. I'll take it from there.
That's gonna be a little hard. I don't even know what he looks like.
Well, that must be him right there.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
- No. - Alan, good to see you.
And you must be the big boss.
I thought you didn't know what he looks like.
I don't know what he looks like. That's somebody else.
A friend, sort of.
Hey, fellas. I'm Jack Bauer.
- Adam Frazier. - Great to see you, Adam.
- Hey, Alan. - Jack.
- Our fourth's running a little late. - Excuse me?
- Paul McGrew. It's why you're here, isn't it? - Yes, but...
- Jack, buddy. - You're gonna love this guy.
- Hey. Paul. Good to see you. - Hi. Paul McGrew.
- Adam Frazier. - Hi.
Alan Barnet.
Finally. Jack says you'll make me an offer I can't refuse.
We're gonna try.
If it's anywhere near as good as the deal he cut me,
we're gonna be in business.
Let's get to it.
So, Paul's company
commissioned my company
to do his whole chain.
Monitors, speakers, everything.
Big-screen TVs, wireless speakers in all the bars. It is going to be sensational.
Don't hurt him, Alan.
- Get you next time, Bauer. - Any time, Paul.
- Good game. - Take it easy, Paul.
See you at the office.
I enjoyed that. I got to do that more often.
He likes you already. I can tell.
- How did you do this? - It was easy.
Just closed him with a great deal.
Just like that.
It's all in the technique.
FPQS.
What?
Friendly, persistent,
questioning stare.
You know, when you get to that critical moment in a transaction...
Right.
...this is what I do.
Is that good, or what?
You didn't tell him about...us.
Of course not. This is business, buddy.
Come on. Let's play. Let's play.
Jack could sell circles around me.
Well, what did he do it for?
Commission? Finder's fee?
To get what he wants.
Which is?
Us.
Alan, I thought we said we wouldn't do that any more.
I know.
But it was a huge favour he did.
I mean, I may get the promotion.
There could be a big bonus.
It seems rude not to...
That's ridiculous. I'm sorry.
- Well... - Forget it.
OK, but is that... I mean, is that what you want?
Do you want to do it again?
Do you?
You want her again, don't you?
One more time wouldn't kill me.
OK.
But just one more time.
When was the last time this car was tuned up?
I don't drive it any more, honey. You do.
If it was my car, I'd pay someone to drive it off a cliff.
When you want to chauffeur the kids round all day,
you can take the mini van and I'll take my car back.
You still have a great ass, you know?
Thank you. You have a great ass, too.
I could get jealous tonight.
I'm hoping you do.
Really? Well, two can play that game.
Give us a kiss.
Hello, Barnets.
LOUISE: We missed you.
We've been looking forward to this.
- You look amazing. - Thank you. I got my hair done.
- Hi. - Hello.
You're looking pretty smooth yourself, Alan.
- Why, thank you. I actually shaved. - What do you think?
This is awesome. Should have worn toga.
You won't be needing one.
Come on.
I thought we'd try something different tonight. You guys ever done ecstasy?
ALAN: I took a Quaalude once in college
Well, they've made some amazing advances on the recreational drug front.
I'm up for it.
- Are you cold? - That's nice.
- You've never done this? - No.
To good friends.
To good business.
Have you ever been with a woman before?
# KIM ERIN: Believe
# Coming down, going down, getting down, coming down
# Cos you came around
# Come and seize the disease
# Won't you please stay away for my hands are weak
# I may just die
# And I'll do it again and again and again
# And again
# Feeling sin
# Feeling fingers through my hair
# Feeling sad
# Don't you feel it?
# I may just die
# But I'd do it again and again
# And again and again
# I'm sad
# Too sad am I
# I'm lost in your love
# Nothing says you don't believe
# You can't believe
# Lies...
Mom, Daniel put three spoonfuls of sugar on his cereal.
DANIEL: Mom, why don't you put it in the blender?
- That's how Dad always does it. - I don't want to hear the blender this morning.
(Rings) - Hello.
Hi, Mom. Can I call you back?
- Why didn't you get us up? - I'm on the phone.
Um, what?
- I forgot to leave the number with the sitter. - We'll be late for school.
Nothing's wrong. I'm fine. I'll call you back later, OK? Bye.
- I want my orange juice. - Eat your cereal.
We don't want to be late.
I knew that was gonna happen.
You know what? You guys,
go get your backpacks on and I'll write you a note. Go.
Why don't you ever help me?
About last night...
Let's not talk about it, OK? It's over.
I'm gonna get the kids.
So, are you ready to face the food smart guys?
I wouldn't worry about me, Alan. You know, it was supposed to be my account.
Frazier must really want it to send both of us.
If he'd really wanted it, he'd have sent just me.
Hey, guys.
Neil Bradley, right?
- Yeah. - Great suit. Jack Bauer. How are you?
Hi.
Alan's told me all about you.
- See you at the meeting, Neil. - Right.
You take care now.
You don't call any more.
- Is that why you came? - Yeah.
I've been kind of swamped at work.
Oh. Well, listen, buddy,
Louise really misses you.
Know what I'm saying? But you're busy. I understand.
- Can't make it tonight. Let's try tomorrow. - It's Brooke's recital tomorrow.
I'll check my calendar.
If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to AVOID US.
OK.
OK. Next week. How about a show, dinner? Whatever you want.
Great.
See how easy that was.
Call me. Promise?
I promise.
See you soon.
Thank you very much for your presentation.
You obviously put a lot of work into it.
We'll think about it and...get back to you.
- OK. - Hank, with all due respect,
there is nothing to think about.
We all know there isn't anyone else in this industry
who can match our quality, service or price.
So, what do you say?
What a day! Get promoted in the morning, close a deal the same night.
Promoted? What the hell are you talking about?
- Didn't Adam tell you? He picked me. - No, he didn't tell me.
He probably didn't want you to fuck up this deal.
Fuck it up? I closed it, you piece of shit.
We'll bring it up at your review.
See you tomorrow, pal.
Are you coming?
No way.
Louise, I can't do this. Wendy and I, we're not...
You'll never have this with your wife.
Hey, buddy.
Now, that's what I call a promotion.
You ass-kissing piece of shit!
Ow. Jesus!
BROOKE: I don't know. She won't come out of the bedroom.
Daddy had to work late.
Where have you been?
- Who are you talking to? - Grandma.
Mom's in a bad mood. Like, what else is new?
Hey, Margaret.
Yeah, I just walked in.
Look, whatever she's upset about, I'll take care of it.
Yeah. OK. Don't worry about it.
I'll call you.
We're not the right kind of people, Alan. Whatever made us think we could do this?
Honey, we've made some mistakes, but they're in the past.
It's behind us. It's done.
Everything is OK. Really.
It's going to be OK. Really.
What happened to your lip?
I banged it getting in the car.
It's nothing.
Promise me that we'll never see them again.
I promise.
I swear to God.
Are you wearing a new cologne?
No.
No, it must be that soap.
You're right. You're right, you know.
We ought to get things back on track.
- What do you want to do? - Just...
something...normal.
(Phone rings)
Are you gonna answer the phone?
Hello.
Oh, my God! What...
ALAN: The meeting broke up around 10:15.
The last time I saw Neil, he was heading for the elevator.
MAN: Then you didn't leave together? - No, I went to the men's room.
We take separate cars.
So was it a mugging? What happened?
He was beaten to death. They think a pipe or a lug wrench or something.
Jesus.
After you left the men's room, what did you do?
I went to the parking garage, got in my car.
Did you notice anything unusual in the garage?
No. Just got in my car and left.
The parking attendant's records show that you left the garage at 10:44.
- Wait a minute. Is Alan a suspect? - Honey.
Some of the night staff said you and Mr Bradley had an argument in the lobby at about 10:20.
It wasn't really an argument. We were discussing a business deal.
I'm just establishing a timeline.
Detective, if you think Alan had anything to do with this,
he is the straightest, most law-abiding citizen in the world.
As of now, we don't have any suspects.
So, are we through, then?
Sure. I know where I can find you. Sorry to bother you both so late.
Oh, what happened to your lip?
Oh, I banged it on the car door. I'm a real klutz sometimes.
DANIEL: I'm still hungry.
WENDY: Let's make cookies. We haven't done that in a long time.
BROOKE: Chocolate chip. DANIEL: I like peanut butter.
WENDY: What do you think, Dad? ALAN: Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. Whatever.
Uncle Jack!
- We just had pizza. - Hey, right on, brother!
- Where's Aunt Louise? - She's at home,
but she told me to give you a big hug.
Now, run in there and see. I brought you a surprise.
Oh, boy!
- Went for pizza, huh? - Yeah. How did you get in?
Everybody always leaves a key right under their potted plant.
Mom, Dad, come see what Uncle Jack bought us.
Wow, they're almost life-size.
This is awesome!
We asked for one of these for Christmas the last two years,
but Mom and Dad said we couldn't afford it.
Thanks, Uncle Jack.
He's not your uncle, Daniel. Why don't you take your brother outside?
- Oh, do we have to? - Just go.
I hope you like where I put it. I went through the whole house and this seemed
- like the best spot. - Can we get right to the point?
We can't accept the TV.
You have to take it back. And...
we really resent you breaking into our house.
- Can you get out of my chair, please? - I don't understand.
I was just trying to surprise you guys.
We don't want to see you or Louise any more. It's not right for us.
And, frankly, we wish we'd never gotten into it.
That's too bad.
Louise and I always saw this as a long-term relationship.
It's not going to work out.
Hang on, guys. I mean, what happened here? It's just a TV.
Listen, Louise and I have been playing the field for a long time.
We've had a lot of fun, but that's not so safe to do any more.
We had always hoped that we would meet a nice couple
so that we could all just settle down.
- Jack... - We are totally committed to you.
We're not interested. You got to find somebody else.
In the meantime, get your TV,
take it out of here, and then we can all go on with our lives.
You make it all sound so simple, Al.
It is, Jack.
No, it's not, Wendy.
You see, underneath all,
Louise and I, we want the same things that you guys do.
Nice house, family, friends.
- You've really opened our eyes. ALAN: Jack.
I'm sorry but this...
This is not our problem.
I was looking forward to spending more time with you since you got the promotion.
You got that promotion?
- I...I was next in line. JACK: He deserved it.
Too bad what happened to Neil.
I think it's time you...go.
Yeah.
You're probably right.
You bastard!
ALAN: Turn it off!
It's a gift. For your eyes only. I won't show anyone else.
You won't believe this.
Give me the control.
Wait till you see what we got.
DANIEL: Come on, guys.
Let's go outside.
You think Jack killed Neil, don't you?
No.
I don't know.
What do you think?
I think we don't know a damn thing about either one of them.
I've been thinking about this vice-presidency and it...it doesn't feel right.
Alan, just relax. You've earned it.
Now, we all feel bad about Neil, but what happened wasn't your fault.
Every dog has his day. This is yours.
- Jack! How are you? - Good, Adam. Nice to see you.
- Congratulations on the promotion. - Why are you here?
I was just going to tell you about this. Jack is outfitting us with a closed-circuit
video surveillance system - offices, warehouses, parking lots.
He's going to make sure our employees are safe from now on.
There's nothing more important.
I'll get those figures from you later, Jack.
You take care, now.
Well, everything's falling right into place.
I've got work to do.
Al-an.
You know how much we love you guys, right?
Do me a favour. Tell Wendy to call off the investigation.
What the hell are you talking about?
Call her. Ask her what she's been doing all day.
Fuck, Verna!
I'm sorry. Sorry.
That detective called. He wants to talk to you again.
Thank you.
Let's go, Daniel!
Come on, hustle it, hustle it.
Positions, kids. Positions!
(Whistle)
This guy at the bar said Jack put a man's head through a window and Louise just laughed.
People have fights in bars.
The guy was Louise's first husband.
I found out at the library that he was killed in a skiing accident
a month later.
So?
There were no witnesses.
That was a really dumb thing,
going down that bar all by yourself.
Too bad. The point is, I think we have to tell the police.
What? Tell them what?
That the couple we've been swinging with aren't upright citizens?
If we tell the police, everything's gonna come out.
All there is to do is to put as much distance between us and them as possible.
Did you see me?
Did you see what I did?
Sorry, champ. What happened?
He just scored the winning goal.
Oh, God! Excuse me. Daniel!
ALAN: Hello? Bottle of brandy
for the new neighbours.
Hi, neighbours.
No, you're not.
- I love the suburbs. - Look who's here.
It's great. Oh, hi!
- So, what do you think? WENDY: OK, you've made your point.
This isn't gonna change anything.
Cos we're not like you.
And we never will be.
What has happened to you two?
I mean, didn't we make your lives more exciting?
Isn't that what you wanted? All we wanted to do was be close to you.
You just stay away from us.
You better straighten her out, Alan.
Everything's fine over here.
This doesn't need to be complicated.
I spoke to a couple of agents today.
The real estate market's still in the dumper.
- Our house is upside down. - What's that supposed to mean?
It means that we...
It means that
we owe more money on our loan than the house is worth.
You still want to sell?
Of course. What do you think?
I don't understand why you want to sell this house.
It's an awful thing to do to the kids, make them change schools,
leave their friends.
There are other factors involved, Mother.
Is there something wrong between you and Alan?
No! I mean, no, why would you ask such a thing?
Well...
It's just that...
Oh, dear.
It's just...
that Brooke asked me today
if anything happened to you or her father, could she and Daniel live with me.
Now, why would she say a thing like that?
I don't know, Mother. She's a kid. They say strange things.
Is that the fella that came to Daniel's birthday party?
Yeah.
The strange couple.
- Yes, Mother. - I didn't know they were your neighbours.
- Can we have dessert in front of the TV? - Too bad we can't watch it on our big screen.
- Brooke. - You have a big-screen TV?
We used to have one.
- But Mom broke it. - Too bad, huh?
- Who wants ice cream with their pie? - I want to hear about this TV.
- It was a present from Uncle Jack. (Phone rings)
Mom smashed it on purpose.
DANIEL: Yeah, just a second.
It's for you, Dad. It's a detective.
Oh, boy! Let's have our pie in the other room.
Hello?
Er, no, look, I've already told you everything I know.
No, I'm with my family.
No, Monday I can't.
I have meetings all day. Tuesday?
10am.
Sure.
OK.
Hi, how was your day?
I can't stop thinking about this meeting with that cop tomorrow.
You're just gonna tell him the same thing as before.
Where you were that night and what you did. How complicated could that be?
- Daddy! - Hey champ.
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
- How was your day? - OK.
- Where's your sister? - She's still at Scouts.
No, she isn't. She went next door.
- To the Newmans'? - No, to Uncle Jack and Aunt Louise's.
WENDY: Brooke where are you?
We're playing dress-up. How do I look?
How dare you do this to my child?
It's just pretend, Mom.
- Wendy, come on. Go straight home. - We're calling the police.
What are you talking about? She came here on her own.
She's 11 years old, you sick fuck. You better not have touched her.
- Take it easy. It was an innocent little game. - As if you're innocent.
To people like you, innocent means you didn't get caught.
- You mean people like us. - We know about your husband's accident.
And what about Neil?
Oh, well, I like this game.
Go ahead. Call the cops.
But you might want to consider what people might think
of some dirty little facts about you two.
Like your mother, Wendy.
Or Adam Frazier and the boys at work, Alan.
Or how about the parents of all those kiddies that come through Wendy's museum?
And you know who'd really like to see that tape?
Child Protective Services.
They'd have your kids out of here so quick,
it'd look like a fucking alien abduction.
You two are repulsive.
You didn't find me repulsive the other night at your offices.
- What? - That's right, Wendy.
you see your husband here,
he fucked me.
And he fucked me in an elevator.
And he fucked me better than he's ever fucked you.
Do we understand each other?
Look, it was stupid
and spur of the moment. I didn't think.
In the elevator, for Christ's sake!
Look, Wendy, I'm sorry. I'll do whatever you want.
- You broke the rules. - There are no rules. It was a big mistake.
A mistake that never would have occurred to me. I was raised Catholic, for Christ's sake!
You were in this every step of the way.
Not every step. And now they have their hooks in our kids.
- I'm calling the police. BROOKE: Stop it!
Wait.
I don't know how I'm going to tell my mother.
I might be able to get a job in Cleveland.
Of course, I won't have a reference.
You make your plans. Just don't include me and the kids.
(Crash)
- Did you hear that? - Shit!
Yeah.
Hey, buddy.
Borrowed your lug wrench a few weeks ago. I thought I'd get you another one.
You took my lug wrench?
With my fingerprints on it.
Don't worry, it's in a safe place.
See you, Alan.
By the way, did you really think we'd let the two of you leave?
(Sinister laugh)
ALAN: Here it is in a nutshell.
You guys win.
We decided to give it a try.
No, everything went fine with the cops.
I stayed calm and said all the right things.
It's like the guy said about the prospect of being hanged.
It concentrates the mind wonderfully.
We figured it was time to
call a truce.
All of us, the four of us.
Yeah, that's what I was calling about.
Yeah. Us, too.
We have a great place. It's very secluded.
A client of mine owns it. He's gonna be away.
Right.
Well, you talk to Louise and we can set a date.
Great. Talk to you soon.
Do you really think you can do this?
You haven't braided my hair for a really long time.
I guess I just felt like it.
Does this mean you're not mad at me any more?
I was never mad at you, sweetheart.
Then how come you act so mean all the time?
It's not your fault.
I'm sorry, honey. Um...
Maybe one day you'll have a family of your own,
and you'll find out how hard it is to try to do everything right all the time.
Try to be everything for everybody,
but it is not possible.
We make mistakes.
But I promise you... that things are gonna change.
I'm gonna do better, OK?
I love you.
You're a pretty girl.
Do you think they're suspicious?
Maybe. The thing to remember is, Jack can't think past his dick.
So if we keep their minds focused on sex,
we should be OK.
Hey, look. Brooke's retainer.
JACK: Hey, guys. What a really nice place.
Love the boots, Wendy.
- Scotch? - No, thank you.
- Are you sooner? It's your favourite. - I'm fine. Really. Thanks.
Baby.
LOUISE: Come here.
- Why don't we go upstairs and go exploring? JACK: That is a great idea.
That way, Wendy and I can stay right here
and snuggle.
I tell you what.
Why don't the two of you go upstairs
and Wendy and I will meet you up there soon.
You know,
you guys are acting a little weird.
Are you sure that you're not still holding a grudge?
No.
Er, no. Can't we just talk?
Why rush it?
Let's enjoy it.
Baby.
Hm?
- I'm getting a really bad feeling about this. WENDY: Really?
Why don't you feel these?
I'm glad we could all be friends again.
Wendy, honey, I'm so sorry. I never meant it to go that far.
If I could have thought of a way to stop it, I would have.
Just get in there and get it over with while they're still asleep.
You think that's gonna make your problems go away?
I wish you had the nerve
to pull that trigger.
Then I'd die respecting you.
Go to bed, Alan.
(Engine won't start) ALAN: Come on.
Come on.
Come on, you piece of shit!
- Perfect! - Now what?
Our car broke down once in Yellowstone.
You know what we did?
ALAN: Let me guess. You fucked.
Right there, in the middle of the park.
It seemed like the only thing to do.
JACK: What I've learned is, if you find yourself
in a situation beyond your control, the smartest thing you can do is relax
and go along for the ride.
Then there was that cute little park ranger that came out of nowhere.
JACK: That's right. He was going to cite us. - Yeah.
Baby, remember Santorini?
All that beautiful black sand?
Of course, you stole the show by going topless on the beach.
Had all those Greek boys about ready to snap it right there.
How long till we reach the gas station?
You know what? We should go there.
- We could bring the kids. JACK: That's a great idea.
Of course, I can't wait to see that black sand all over Wendy's big beautiful tits. Lou!
- You want to do this now? - Jack, keep your eye on the road!
We're fine, guys. Quiet. I'm trying to concentrate.
- Jack, we will walk. - Please!
- Slow down! JACK: Don't stop.
- I'll never stop. - Jack!
Jack, look out!
(Jack laughing)
We crashed.
We fucking crashed!
Ha, ha-ha! We crashed!
Louise?
Baby?
Louise?
Lou!
Louise?
Louise!
Louise?
Oh, baby. Louise!
Alan! Alan!
Alan!
Wendy! Come on, you guys. You got to help us get out of here.
Where are you guys?
I can't get my fucking leg out!
Alan, I'm stuck!
Come back and get us out of here. You don't want to get rid of me.
You'll never get rid of me.
Come on, guys. We're still a team, right?
When this is all over...
...we got to do it again.
Alan!
How do you feel about getting the kids a puppy for Christmas?
There's no way round it, really. We practically promised it to them.
Did I tell you the dentist said Danny's gonna need braces?
Bills.
Bills, bills, bills, bills.
(Mouths)
And more bills.
Want a back rub?
Really?
Sure. Where's the lotion?
Get the ball. Get the ball.
Challenge, challenge.
Danny, good boy!
# Get into it
# Get into it, baby
# I've been down in such a dark place
# I've been a phoney and a fool
# Just to please everybody who has said that they love me
# And I spat out the food that I was too afraid to swallow
# I've been locked up in this attic
# Still with love on my brain
# And I tried so hard to get a little sunshine
# Yes, I tried so hard to break the cycle of pain
# Cos there's musclemen on the beach
# Surfers down in surfing heaven
# If I was in their reach
# I would surely tell them
# Get into it, baby
# And do whatever you can
# Come on, get into it, baby
# Every woman, every man
# Enjoy your life
# Yeah, yeah
# I was talking with a legend
# I was feeling like a young fool around about 14
# I asked him of his secret
# And he said, he said
# He said each day's a lesson and life is your school
# Cos there's beauty out on the street
# It's concrete but it could be heaven
# There's so much for you to see, so get out there and tell them
# Get into it, baby
# And do whatever you can
# Come on, get into it, baby
# Yeah, yeah, yeah
# Every woman, every man
# Get into it, baby
# Get into it
# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
# Get into it
# And do whatever you can
# Come on, get into it, baby
# Every woman, every man
# Enjoy your life
# Yeah
# Enjoy your life